Momentarily.

“Life is really all about ‘moments’.”

You know how there are a million quotes about life. Well, this is the truest one for me. There are some moments that I remember so vividly, that play in my head on loop, that  make the concept of time completely redundant.

On another note,
Opening up again, writing about how I feel again, has been very difficult. To be this honest about everything, letting other people in like this, has been tough. But its also freeing. Like letting go, like being hit with a gust of air that knocks the breath out of you. Exciting and scary at the same time.

P.S. Mood Music : Kho gaye hum kahan by Prateek Kuhad and Jasleen Royal


Anyway, today I wanted to share about some of the significant moments in my life that my brain keeps jumping to, mostly involuntarily. I might be doing something extremely intense and suddenly, whooosh. Like this errant thought comes by, messing with my current train of thought and I get transported to that moment, what I felt in that moment, I start to re-live it. Oh so vividly. Its great when its a happy memory. Its horrible when its a sad memory or worse if its something I said or did that I regretted. All remorse comes flooding back in. I’ve noticed the happy feeling isnt as strong as the sad one. But that’s just my anxiety I guess. Moving on. Ughhh this was supposed to be a “happy” post after the dark one. Anyway.

So I was just trying to get my baby to sleep. And he was, as usual, doing everything but. And suddenly, whooosh. I’m at the deck of my old office. Watching the river. Marveling at the fact that I’m standing there. My new  colleague, who is a very dear friend now, walks in a few seconds later, asking me what I’m thinking. I say, “I’m thinking about where I was and where I am now. How far I’ve come.” Just then a feather fell from the sky above and we watched it falling and he said, ” Yes, look at this. Where it was and where its going”. And we just stood there, for several long minutes, watching a feather fall, lost in our thoughts. I don’t know why, I keep going back to this moment, nine years ago. It was so unexpected and so intense. I can’t even explain what that moment felt. It was everything, everything that I ever wanted, I had in that moment. I don’t know why he was at that place at that time, or why he asked me that question, infact I’m sure he has no recollection of this ever happening. It was a matter of a few minutes.  But it was one of the most powerful moments of my life because I had worked very very hard to be there and my being there was almost a miracle. I was so so happy to be there, it was so unbelievable for me, it was almost like a dream.

Many such moments, keep coming back to me. The day I thought my little brother would get lost ( he never did, never even had the slightest chance of that happening), the day his nursery teacher gave me his empty notebook, my ninth birthday, one stage choir performance, the day I was dancing in the rain and my crush walked by ( yes, that really happened), the day I realised my mom was really sick and I couldn’t stop crying on the staircase, the day  a bright light made my day, the day heavy traffic was a blessing for me, the day I got the highest marks in some exam and literally everyone I met congratulated me, the day I bought my first four HP books, the day the fifth HP book was released, the moment my college admission was finalized, my first day at college, a particular fest “game night”, the moment my mom opened her eyes in the ICU and smiled at me, the moment I got accepted for the internship, the day on the roadside bench, the crazy bike ride, the day of crying in the middle of the street, the day I got an unexpected (but very welcome) apology, the moment I saw my future husband, the moment I realised I liked him enough to say yes, the moment I realised my dad didn’t care about my curfew anymore, the moment the car didn’t make  right turn towards my maternal home and went straight ahead to my husband’s place from the airport,  the moment I first heard my baby’s heartbeat, the moment I heard his first cry, the moment I realised all was not well, my first diagnosis… So many yet so few in the grand scheme of things.

Tell me dear reader, am I crazy to feel so much? To be on a constant loop? I sometimes wish it would stop for a while,  you know. Just maybe a little break. From the emotions, from the depth of everything. Other times, it feels great to relive the best moments that have gone by, never to return.


Its too much and too little, at that same time.

Reflections..

So I’ve been pretty reflective these past few days.. more so because I’m turning 30 this week and that is quite a milestone, in my head. It sort of marks the beginning of my mental and physical age aligning, so to speak. I’ve always been the sorted, responsible person in any group. Or so people say. I’m not so sure about this. My mind is always chaotic but I present a calm exterior and still there’s something to be said about relativity.

So I feel now I’m old enough to make life observations and comment on what “life has taught me” sort of stuff, having lived three decades now. So here are some of words of wisdom from a Grandma who is turning 30 this weeeek (!). Also, 60 going on 30 now. Lol .

📎 Life doesn’t follow any plans whatsoever. Like, seriously. You could double-check/triple-check or do a million checks and prepare for all outcomes but Life just suddenly feels like…”ooooh lets not do anything today.” Or like “Haha. Here’s a riddle no one can solve.” Or even “Boo. Lets just change all possible variables, like just for fun. And also, the constants, you know, juts for the thrill”. Aargh. Go figure out something else.

📎 No one is predictable. Not even your own mind. And especially not your body. Whenever you’re like oh this person or this person or this thing will behave a certain way, whoop, no it won’t. Go figure out something else.

📎 Happiness is a state of mind. You could have the worst day possible and still be happy or have the best dat possible and still be sad. It is literally all in your head and most of the time, you have no control over it.

📎Even the bad guys (atleast most of them) are not a hundred percent bad. And the good guys are not a hundred percent good. Everyone has good days and bad days atleast. So don’t judge.

📎 Everything happens and everyone does stuff for their own reasons. Everyone is basically trying to be happy. They have their own versions of happiness but that’s everyone’s ultimate goal. Their version might differ from yours but doesn’t make it less or more important.

📎It is much easier to hurt someone than to make someone happy. Even by your words. Actually, especially by your words. Actions have a more lasting and deeper effect though.

📎There should only be one angry person in a room at a time. As soon as the second person starts to lose their mind, the craziness begins. This is the most difficult one, I feel.

And many such things. I feel like such an Aunty, trying to preach right now. 🤷 Stopping now, see you later!

Almost.

Drama drama.

Yes, that last post was kinda too sad. Melodrama is in my blood. I legit once sat in an ashram, on the riverside, sketching and crying. The one time that I go to an ashram alone, I deicde to be a 70s lead. Anyway.

So, Wheeee! Leaving the past and the problems behind, we’re looking ahead now, to happy times to come. I’m going on a vacation. So many obstacles, so many plans gone wrong. But for now, lets just go with it, yeah? Lets just get on with the program!

On that random note, toodles!

Lonesome.

Disclaimer : I’m not high. Quite the opposite actually.

Is it not unfair, to have everything and still have nothing? To not have space for anything else and yet crave for something you don’t even know exists anymore? To be saturated and yet be unfulfilled?

To have something wonderful but to want something entirely different? It is unfair, isn’t it? But that’s how it is. Today and everyday, for a long while now. To be in one place but long to be in an entire different place at that very moment?

For once, just for the sake of it, forgo the concept of right and wrong. Just for once. No judgement, only hear me out. You might agree or disagree, its upto you but that has nothing to do with the way I feel. Feeling is authentic, judgement is biased.

Anyway, getting back to the irony of it all. I’m talking about the duality of everyday life when said life becomes meaningless and uninspired. But you have to do, what you have to do. Act normal, finish the job that you are supposed to be doing. But that’s what it is exactly, acting the part. Not actually living it.

Its a self-induced punishment but its not voluntary. Its not something one can control, to desire and to dream something that is beyond your reach, beyond your horizon of reality.

To have your body in one place and your heart at a completely different location, it is unfair, isn’t it?

A Bird In Hand

So there’s a bird in my kitchen. Actually, there are birds, plural, in my kitchen.

So let me explain, this is not a fully functional kitchen. It is a big kitchen being used like a pantry as of now. So it has a chimney, which is only sometimes switched on. So our Mother Bird decided, yeay nice place to give birth.

There is a nest on the chimney. Like its on top of the chimney. I’ll attach a picture. So anyway, the Bird birthed the eggs and has been a constant for the last few weeks.

We have been having some conversations, Bird and I.

“You know Bird, if the light disturbs you so much, you really should have chosen a different site”

“You’re a really good listener, Bird. Has anybody told you that recently?”

“Birrrd. Your chicks are chirping. They’re hungry. Get on with those worms, yeah?”

“You need to respect my privacy, Bird. I feel like you’re encroaching on my personal space here. Quite literally.”

“It’s just us today, Birds. All the others are gone and busy, just us and our kids. Kid, in my case.”

“Bird, that dude you got over there, doesn’t always help, does he? He’s not around much,yeah? Or maybe, sometimes its him I’m talking to. I can’t really tell.”

“You know I’m going to have to do sooo much cleaning after you move out, Bird. I mean..its going to be ridiculous, not like you care.”

“Bird, I appreciate you not interfering in my business up here. Like just staying in your zone. I appreciate it. I do.”

Disclaimer : The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily match the Bird’s point of view. She may or may not have a different perspective on things.

P.S. Just as I was about to post this, for the first time in weeks, the Bird shat in our kitchen. I got so angry I yelled at it. Now folks at home think I’m crazy and Bird just flew off. This is getting intense now, guys.

Empty

Empty words. Empty promises. Empty minds. Empty hearts.

Empty feelings. Feelings of what-ifs. Feelings of has-beens. Feelings of regret.

Feeling bored. Bored of the ordinary. Bored of the extraordinary. Bored of not writing. Bored of empty unpublished posts.

So many unpublished posts. All half heartedly written. Half hearted words. Empty words.

No more, no more.

Thumbs up?

The need for constant validation is the curse of our generation. We feel like whatever we are doing, wherever we are going, it needs the approval of everyone around us. Sometimes, its not even about approval, its about being in the race with our peers who are doing the exact same thing for us and to us. We are all basically trying to one-up each other all the time.

Exaggerating the happy moments and worse, hiding under fake smiles. I say this so strongly because I have done it myself. Posted a happy picture when I was dying inside. It hurts to look at the picture but hey, atleast other people like it.

So great is our need to be “liked” by everyone that Mark can’t even bring himself to add a ‘dislike’ button. Because no one wants that. Would you be willing to let yourself be so vulnerable as to actually face what people think about you? Or even worse, would you let people know how bad your life actually is? No, thank you. Let’s all just collectively live in this bubble of hallucinations and enjoy our time on our timelines.

We don’t want to give tests every day but we want to be validated all the time. By “we”, I exclusively mean people like me. Not people like Hubs. You see, Hubs lives on an entire different planet. He doesn’t care about validation. He doesn’t give it, he doesn’t need it. I’m happy for him. I’m even a bit envious of his zen-like nature. I wish I could be that ‘at peace’ with myself and the world. You go, Hubs. May you always be the shining ray of light, this world doesn’t deserve.

Anyway, coming back to us, mere mortals. Yes, we are a doomed lot. But the actual question is, is there any hope for us? At all? Can this era, like so many before it, come to an end and lead up to something good?

We can only hope. Hope that our fake smiles eventually turn into real ones. Hope that our journey, that we keep glorifying so very much, comes to a beautiful end and we reach wherever it is that we want to and/or are supposed to reach.

I hope that there is a meaning to everything, at the very end and that there is, like Hubs says, a silver lining to these dark, dark clouds.

Image courtesy https://www.theodysseyonline.com/fake-smiles.amp

This kind of Love.

Over the course of the (almost) twenty-nine years of my life, I’ve loved many things and many people. And I’m talking about so many versions of love. Unrequited love, selfish love, selfless love, one-sided love, reciprocated love, imaginary love, intense love, friendly love, will-do-anything-for-you kind of love, hate-to-love-you and love-to-hate-you love, and so many more kinds of love.

But never, had I ever, experienced this kind of unconditional, life-consuming, no holds barred, no expectations kind of love. The fact that he loves me no matter what. He doesn’t care what I’m wearing, how I’m looking or what I’m doing. Its free of judgement, this kind of love. Right now, that is.

I’m talking about the person who might leave me in fifteen years to go off to college and probably never be the same again. Yet, I know I will probably love him till the end of my days, come what may.

I never knew this kind of love existed. I never thought I had the capacity to love someone this much.

I had read somewhere that the basis of humanity is the love that parents have for their children. At the time, I couldn’t understand the depth of this. Now I do. There is not a thing in this world that I would not do to protect this child of mine, not a stone I wouldn’t turn, whatever it takes to ensure his happiness. I mean, we have rules and discipline and responsibility that we teach him and will continue to do so but its a powerful thing, this love.

Every now and then, a certain titbit of God’s plan reveals itself and I marvel at the genius of it all. It is a marvelous thing, this kind of love.

I hope you experience this some day my dear reader, if you haven’t already. It’s a magical feeling, this kind of love.

Good enough.

Sometimes, in many heartbroken moments in life, I wonder if I’m good enough. Good enough for the people around me, good enough to deserve what I have, good enough to want more from life.

But its a very difficult question to get the answer to. I’m not saying that I’m trying to be perfect or idealistic but life and people have a weird parameter of judging you and its sometimes too much to handle.

I know, i know. Don’t think about what people think of you. Nope..no can do. Good for you, if you can live that way. For me, its impossible not to be bogged down by it. Its a vice. Not in a creepy I-think-about-this-24×7 way but in a I-want-people-to-like-me kind of way. Specially the ones that I like too.

They say ‘Be the best version of yourself’. Well, i dont know which version the best version of me is, all I know is I’m trying to be a better person everyday and a better version of myself everyday.

But overthinking and over-analysing and over-stressing has its flaws. Maybe the best version of yourself is the version when you stop caring so damn much.

I mean imagine how sunny life would be if one weren’t burdened by anyone’s expectations. That would awesome. Lets go live in that parallel universe for once.