“Life is really all about ‘moments’.”
You know how there are a million quotes about life. Well, this is the truest one for me. There are some moments that I remember so vividly, that play in my head on loop, that make the concept of time completely redundant.
On another note,
Opening up again, writing about how I feel again, has been very difficult. To be this honest about everything, letting other people in like this, has been tough. But its also freeing. Like letting go, like being hit with a gust of air that knocks the breath out of you. Exciting and scary at the same time.
P.S. Mood Music : Kho gaye hum kahan by Prateek Kuhad and Jasleen Royal
Anyway, today I wanted to share about some of the significant moments in my life that my brain keeps jumping to, mostly involuntarily. I might be doing something extremely intense and suddenly, whooosh. Like this errant thought comes by, messing with my current train of thought and I get transported to that moment, what I felt in that moment, I start to re-live it. Oh so vividly. Its great when its a happy memory. Its horrible when its a sad memory or worse if its something I said or did that I regretted. All remorse comes flooding back in. I’ve noticed the happy feeling isnt as strong as the sad one. But that’s just my anxiety I guess. Moving on. Ughhh this was supposed to be a “happy” post after the dark one. Anyway.
So I was just trying to get my baby to sleep. And he was, as usual, doing everything but. And suddenly, whooosh. I’m at the deck of my old office. Watching the river. Marveling at the fact that I’m standing there. My new colleague, who is a very dear friend now, walks in a few seconds later, asking me what I’m thinking. I say, “I’m thinking about where I was and where I am now. How far I’ve come.” Just then a feather fell from the sky above and we watched it falling and he said, ” Yes, look at this. Where it was and where its going”. And we just stood there, for several long minutes, watching a feather fall, lost in our thoughts. I don’t know why, I keep going back to this moment, nine years ago. It was so unexpected and so intense. I can’t even explain what that moment felt. It was everything, everything that I ever wanted, I had in that moment. I don’t know why he was at that place at that time, or why he asked me that question, infact I’m sure he has no recollection of this ever happening. It was a matter of a few minutes. But it was one of the most powerful moments of my life because I had worked very very hard to be there and my being there was almost a miracle. I was so so happy to be there, it was so unbelievable for me, it was almost like a dream.
Many such moments, keep coming back to me. The day I thought my little brother would get lost ( he never did, never even had the slightest chance of that happening), the day his nursery teacher gave me his empty notebook, my ninth birthday, one stage choir performance, the day I was dancing in the rain and my crush walked by ( yes, that really happened), the day I realised my mom was really sick and I couldn’t stop crying on the staircase, the day a bright light made my day, the day heavy traffic was a blessing for me, the day I got the highest marks in some exam and literally everyone I met congratulated me, the day I bought my first four HP books, the day the fifth HP book was released, the moment my college admission was finalized, my first day at college, a particular fest “game night”, the moment my mom opened her eyes in the ICU and smiled at me, the moment I got accepted for the internship, the day on the roadside bench, the crazy bike ride, the day of crying in the middle of the street, the day I got an unexpected (but very welcome) apology, the moment I saw my future husband, the moment I realised I liked him enough to say yes, the moment I realised my dad didn’t care about my curfew anymore, the moment the car didn’t make right turn towards my maternal home and went straight ahead to my husband’s place from the airport, the moment I first heard my baby’s heartbeat, the moment I heard his first cry, the moment I realised all was not well, my first diagnosis… So many yet so few in the grand scheme of things.
Tell me dear reader, am I crazy to feel so much? To be on a constant loop? I sometimes wish it would stop for a while, you know. Just maybe a little break. From the emotions, from the depth of everything. Other times, it feels great to relive the best moments that have gone by, never to return.
Its too much and too little, at that same time.