Morning musings. (Part 1)

Was always proud of the whole, still waters run deep phenomena. But over time, lost all the depth. Only left with hollowness.

Hollowness that is also harrowing. And undaunted. It creeps in each and every dimension, sucks the soul out of everything.

What one wouldn’t do, just to be whole again.

Why, you ask? Not one but many reasons. Most of them to do with dreams dying and ambition crushing. Self respect became optional, that’s why.

Don’t worry though. This is also a phase. And just like us,

aaya hai, chala jayega.

Midnight

You don’t know I exist,

But you mean the world to me,

You inspire me, to be bigger,

Bigger than the challenges,

Bigger than circumstances,

Bigger and better.

Better than yesterday,

Better than my old self

Better than the dark days.

Thank you for your brightness,

You shine and shine and shine,

Everyday a little bit more,

Everyday a little bit brighter.

I wish I could just tell you

How much your light means to me

When all goes dim, I turn to you,

And you colour the days warmer,

Bright, light, warm & fuzzy.

When we meet and we will,

I’ll let you know,

About our conversations,

Right now, in my head,

But so real, so full of red.

Till that time, shine on,

Be that star, to me and so many,

For your mere reflection is enough,

To keep us going for a long while.

Lucky you.

Good for you, you don’t have any mental health issues. We know its great when on our good days, we can do double, triple the work load. We also know it sucks that on bad days, we struggle to do even the basic stuff. But you see the catch is, if it were up to us, we would do just enough if we could, not more not less. This contrast is way harder for us than it is for you.

Good for you, having all the sanity in the world. Some of us, struggle to keep it intact, every morning. You don’t have to pretend that there isn’t a tornado happening in your mind, smile when you feel like screaming and shouting. Imagine smiling when you are happy, now imagine smiling when you want to rip your own hair off. Its not the same, really.

Good for you, having a solid plateau of emotions. It must be so hard, having to keep up with our changing moods, our volatile natures. Life has dealt you with all the tough cards, though. We do feel sorry for you, infact some days the guilt eats us alive. If only, we had control over our own minds.

Good for you, living in the bliss of ignorance. Because we are “hiding” behind the articles about about mental health and making it our “excuse” not to do stuff. We don’t expect you to understand, only be patient. It will get better, we promise, more to ourselves than to you.

Good for you, not having to live like us. We fools have “made it all up” in our minds and sinple fresh air and exercise is obviously the cure to everything. But have you any idea, how hard waking up in the morning is for us. When the first thought that comes to one’s mind is, Please lets not open our eyes today.

Good for you, sleeping soundly at the beginning of the night. We uselessly keep track of the hours and minutes and seconds that pass us by (knowing full well that the morning is going to be even more difficult) just you know, for funzies. Because we love going on bad trips apparently.

Having to live with us is no doubt difficult but you seriously can’t even begin to understand how hard it is for us to live with ourselves. The shame, the guilt and the pressure. It might all be in our minds but then, isn’t everything?

Lavender Wish

Wish I could run to that field of Lavender,

Where the summer’s sun isn’t harsh,

Its endless countenance makes me wonder,

Mostly when days are gloomy and the benevolence sparse.

photo lavender flower field under pink sky
Photo by David Bartus on Pexels.com

Wish I could run to that field of Lavender,

All that it is, all that it could be ,

The mind in its full splendor,

Why does it have its own autonomy and not me?

Wish I could run to that field of Lavender,

On a day or two,

The abundance and the glory,

The very next moment,

It shatters and is untrue.

The sad heart wonders,

what went wrong,

It misses the dancing

and the great song.

Until next time, we shall meet,

Let it not be unsaid,

For it is alright to weep.

The joy that was found,

Lost its way, somewhere in the keep.

Eureka! Or something more Indian!

Yes dear reader, I found it, the thing I was looking for. My midlife crisis is a crisis no more! I can’t tell you much right now but know that I’ve done it. I’ve found what I want to do next and I’m already doing it.

Life is awesome right now.

Touch wood.

A Privileged Break

I know its the time to be grateful, for all we have, for all we can.

All my life, I’ve lived an extremely privileged life. I had everything I needed. Much more than that actually. I didn’t even have to ask for it. I just had.

I had more facilities than most people I knew. I had better brains that a lot of people I knew. I was not hideous-looking, I cared about everything and everyone. I always had people who loved me. Always.

I remember my friends slogging to get a 93 and I breezed through getting an 89. I felt a little bad for myself ( i kid you not), always feeling that if I tried a little harder, I could easily be above 90. But I never tried. And I never regretted it. I was happy with my 89. And I was happy with the breezing-through. That was a huge privilege.

I was never super rich but always very, very comfortable. I also never had any ambitions that were out of my budget. It wasn’t purpose-fully thought of, it just was. This was a privilege.

My parents always loved me. I had some pretty dark childhood trauma days but I always had my parents’ love. Of that I was always sure. That was a privilege.

I adored my sibling. Like even in his most tantrumic (?) age, I just thought that loving him was the only option. I have now met people that definitely don’t feel that way about their siblings. So my relationship with my brother is definitely a privilege, even today.

My mom was pretty sick, for most of my teenage and early twenties . She used to be admitted into hospitals very frequently and life was pretty much bleak those days. But she always came back from the hospital. That was a privilege.

I had and have very awesome friends. We live so far from each other but I’ve known them for decades now and if I’m feeling low, I tell them and they get it. That is a privilege.

I got to fulfill my dream of becoming an Architect and then live it with my Architect Husband. That is such a privilege.

I have a healthy, happy child. I feel most privileged that God sent him to me.

During this lockdown, I’m in my home, safe and sound, with all essential commodities, people around me to help me, such a privilege.

I’m grateful for all this and so much more. Enough with the lost, confused, longing type posts. I’m on a privileged break right now. I appreciate it.

Lost and unfound?

On many days, I find myself looking for something that I lost. Something that was very dear to me, something so precious that I can’t bear the loss of it, something so personal that I couldn’t tell you what it is, something so obscure, I couldn’t point a finger at it, even if I tried.

Have you, dear reader, experienced this kind of loss? Like the loss of your favourite childhood toy, like the loss of something that went out of production, like the loss of a person who walked out of your life and never came back?

It’s like a continuous craving but you can’t tell, of what. It’s like a book that you can’t open, a language that you can’t read. This quarantine, it might even be the loss of your freedom. The freedom to walk out of your own home, the freedom to visit your parents, the freedom of going to your favourite ice-cream parlour and having an ice-cream.

It’s like the Sun, you can’t live without it but you can’t reach it either. Like sitting at your window, looking at the outside world, wondering if anything was ever real or if we can go back to normal or what was/is the definition of normal, anyway?

It’s like being alone in a crowd of known people, alone on the bus seat made for two people, alone at night, waiting for the birds to start chirping already. It is like letting your mind wander about, like a lonely cloud in the bright blue sky, no where to go but still having limitless possibilities.

Or is it only me? My crazy brain that’s unable to figure out what exactly it is that I want. Looking for something that I lost but truthfully, something that I never had, to begin with.

Time, please?

Time is a fascinating concept. Especially, the irregularities of our perception, with respect to it. Sometimes, years go by yet the memories are so fresh. Other times I forget the question while answering it, mid-sentence. Like they say, time crawls slowly when something excruciating is happening (imagine waiting in a line) and it rushes over when one is having the time (pun intended) of one’s life (meeting your favourite people, for instance). In reality, it is only one’s perception of this; the clock runs at the same speed, irrespective of whats happening around it. Mind = Blown.

So apparently, Time is an illusion. It is what it is. We are the ones recording it and perceiving it in terms of seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years. Say what? How is this a thing? I swear this is beyond me.

My point is, everyone is busy. So how does our mind decide which events to play at 16x speed and what events to play at 1x speed? Like I said, fascinating. The next book on my list is ‘A Brief History of Time’ actually. I’m sure Hawking will spectacularly explain stuff. Looking forward to it.

So about the Quarantine Days. Its Day 28 for me now. Some days are good. Some days aren’t. Some days are slow. Some days aren’t. Its making me feel a bit hollow though, all this extra time. So much introspection, it is giving me clarity as well as providing confusion. You know, like it is making me want to do something else in my life, with my life but I’m not able to get the answer to the “what”. This is unexpected. I’ve already chosen my life, it has already chosen me. Everything is sorted; personal & professional. Or maybe it isn’t. Ripples everywhere. The search has begun, something to fill this sudden vacuum. This may or may not be a mid-life crisis (at Thirty?!) in the middle of a Pandemic.

Anyhoo, what is up with you? If you, dear reader, are one of the sorted-complacent-ever optimist type, I’m jealous of you. Honestly, how does that work? I was ‘that’, a decade ago. Now my mind is a chaotic mess and there’s too much happening, all at once, all the time.

Coming back to Time. Everybody kept on complaining about how they never had time to do anything. Well well well, now everyone has time and not much else. The stuff that didn’t get done due to lack of time is still not getting done. Guess it wasn’t Time’s fault, was it, now? The masks are coming off, people. Something to think about, on the remaining journey of life.

In other news, I’ve come to realise that my favourite social media app is Twitter. It keeps things real y’all. You know me, I’m a sucker for words. The right words, at the right time, for the right reason. You had me at “the”. Sigh. I find it irresistible, it takes me to a different, better world. Use your words, people, use..your..words.

Momentarily.

“Life is really all about ‘moments’.”

You know how there are a million quotes about life. Well, this is the truest one for me. There are some moments that I remember so vividly, that play in my head on loop, that  make the concept of time completely redundant.

On another note,
Opening up again, writing about how I feel again, has been very difficult. To be this honest about everything, letting other people in like this, has been tough. But its also freeing. Like letting go, like being hit with a gust of air that knocks the breath out of you. Exciting and scary at the same time.

P.S. Mood Music : Kho gaye hum kahan by Prateek Kuhad and Jasleen Royal


Anyway, today I wanted to share about some of the significant moments in my life that my brain keeps jumping to, mostly involuntarily. I might be doing something extremely intense and suddenly, whooosh. Like this errant thought comes by, messing with my current train of thought and I get transported to that moment, what I felt in that moment, I start to re-live it. Oh so vividly. Its great when its a happy memory. Its horrible when its a sad memory or worse if its something I said or did that I regretted. All remorse comes flooding back in. I’ve noticed the happy feeling isnt as strong as the sad one. But that’s just my anxiety I guess. Moving on. Ughhh this was supposed to be a “happy” post after the dark one. Anyway.

So I was just trying to get my baby to sleep. And he was, as usual, doing everything but. And suddenly, whooosh. I’m at the deck of my old office. Watching the river. Marveling at the fact that I’m standing there. My new  colleague, who is a very dear friend now, walks in a few seconds later, asking me what I’m thinking. I say, “I’m thinking about where I was and where I am now. How far I’ve come.” Just then a feather fell from the sky above and we watched it falling and he said, ” Yes, look at this. Where it was and where its going”. And we just stood there, for several long minutes, watching a feather fall, lost in our thoughts. I don’t know why, I keep going back to this moment, nine years ago. It was so unexpected and so intense. I can’t even explain what that moment felt. It was everything, everything that I ever wanted, I had in that moment. I don’t know why he was at that place at that time, or why he asked me that question, infact I’m sure he has no recollection of this ever happening. It was a matter of a few minutes.  But it was one of the most powerful moments of my life because I had worked very very hard to be there and my being there was almost a miracle. I was so so happy to be there, it was so unbelievable for me, it was almost like a dream.

Many such moments, keep coming back to me. The day I thought my little brother would get lost ( he never did, never even had the slightest chance of that happening), the day his nursery teacher gave me his empty notebook, my ninth birthday, one stage choir performance, the day I was dancing in the rain and my crush walked by ( yes, that really happened), the day I realised my mom was really sick and I couldn’t stop crying on the staircase, the day  a bright light made my day, the day heavy traffic was a blessing for me, the day I got the highest marks in some exam and literally everyone I met congratulated me, the day I bought my first four HP books, the day the fifth HP book was released, the moment my college admission was finalized, my first day at college, a particular fest “game night”, the moment my mom opened her eyes in the ICU and smiled at me, the moment I got accepted for the internship, the day on the roadside bench, the crazy bike ride, the day of crying in the middle of the street, the day I got an unexpected (but very welcome) apology, the moment I saw my future husband, the moment I realised I liked him enough to say yes, the moment I realised my dad didn’t care about my curfew anymore, the moment the car didn’t make  right turn towards my maternal home and went straight ahead to my husband’s place from the airport,  the moment I first heard my baby’s heartbeat, the moment I heard his first cry, the moment I realised all was not well, my first diagnosis… So many yet so few in the grand scheme of things.

Tell me dear reader, am I crazy to feel so much? To be on a constant loop? I sometimes wish it would stop for a while,  you know. Just maybe a little break. From the emotions, from the depth of everything. Other times, it feels great to relive the best moments that have gone by, never to return.


Its too much and too little, at that same time.