Empty

Empty words. Empty promises. Empty minds. Empty hearts.

Empty feelings. Feelings of what-ifs. Feelings of has-beens. Feelings of regret.

Feeling bored. Bored of the ordinary. Bored of the extraordinary. Bored of not writing. Bored of empty unpublished posts.

So many unpublished posts. All half heartedly written. Half hearted words. Empty words.

No more, no more.

Advertisements

Thumbs up?

The need for constant validation is the curse of our generation. We feel like whatever we are doing, wherever we are going, it needs the approval of everyone around us. Sometimes, its not even about approval, its about being in the race with our peers who are doing the exact same thing for us and to us. We are all basically trying to one-up each other all the time.

Exaggerating the happy moments and worse, hiding under fake smiles. I say this so strongly because I have done it myself. Posted a happy picture when I was dying inside. It hurts to look at the picture but hey, atleast other people like it.

So great is our need to be “liked” by everyone that Mark can’t even bring himself to add a ‘dislike’ button. Because no one wants that. Would you be willing to let yourself be so vulnerable as to actually face what people think about you? Or even worse, would you let people know how bad your life actually is? No, thank you. Let’s all just collectively live in this bubble of hallucinations and enjoy our time on our timelines.

We don’t want to give tests every day but we want to be validated all the time. By “we”, I exclusively mean people like me. Not people like Hubs. You see, Hubs lives on an entire different planet. He doesn’t care about validation. He doesn’t give it, he doesn’t need it. I’m happy for him. I’m even a bit envious of his zen-like nature. I wish I could be that ‘at peace’ with myself and the world. You go, Hubs. May you always be the shining ray of light, this world doesn’t deserve.

Anyway, coming back to us, mere mortals. Yes, we are a doomed lot. But the actual question is, is there any hope for us? At all? Can this era, like so many before it, come to an end and lead up to something good?

We can only hope. Hope that our fake smiles eventually turn into real ones. Hope that our journey, that we keep glorifying so very much, comes to a beautiful end and we reach wherever it is that we want to and/or are supposed to reach.

I hope that there is a meaning to everything, at the very end and that there is, like Hubs says, a silver lining to these dark, dark clouds.

Image courtesy https://www.theodysseyonline.com/fake-smiles.amp

This kind of Love.

Over the course of the (almost) twenty-nine years of my life, I’ve loved many things and many people. And I’m talking about so many versions of love. Unrequited love, selfish love, selfless love, one-sided love, reciprocated love, imaginary love, intense love, friendly love, will-do-anything-for-you kind of love, hate-to-love-you and love-to-hate-you love, and so many more kinds of love.

But never, had I ever, experienced this kind of unconditional, life-consuming, no holds barred, no expectations kind of love. The fact that he loves me no matter what. He doesn’t care what I’m wearing, how I’m looking or what I’m doing. Its free of judgement, this kind of love. Right now, that is.

I’m talking about the person who might leave me in fifteen years to go off to college and probably never be the same again. Yet, I know I will probably love him till the end of my days, come what may.

I never knew this kind of love existed. I never thought I had the capacity to love someone this much.

I had read somewhere that the basis of humanity is the love that parents have for their children. At the time, I couldn’t understand the depth of this. Now I do. There is not a thing in this world that I would not do to protect this child of mine, not a stone I wouldn’t turn, whatever it takes to ensure his happiness. I mean, we have rules and discipline and responsibility that we teach him and will continue to do so but its a powerful thing, this love.

Every now and then, a certain titbit of God’s plan reveals itself and I marvel at the genius of it all. It is a marvelous thing, this kind of love.

I hope you experience this some day my dear reader, if you haven’t already. It’s a magical feeling, this kind of love.

Good enough.

Sometimes, in many heartbroken moments in life, I wonder if I’m good enough. Good enough for the people around me, good enough to deserve what I have, good enough to want more from life.

But its a very difficult question to get the answer to. I’m not saying that I’m trying to be perfect or idealistic but life and people have a weird parameter of judging you and its sometimes too much to handle.

I know, i know. Don’t think about what people think of you. Nope..no can do. Good for you, if you can live that way. For me, its impossible not to be bogged down by it. Its a vice. Not in a creepy I-think-about-this-24×7 way but in a I-want-people-to-like-me kind of way. Specially the ones that I like too.

They say ‘Be the best version of yourself’. Well, i dont know which version the best version of me is, all I know is I’m trying to be a better person everyday and a better version of myself everyday.

But overthinking and over-analysing and over-stressing has its flaws. Maybe the best version of yourself is the version when you stop caring so damn much.

I mean imagine how sunny life would be if one weren’t burdened by anyone’s expectations. That would awesome. Lets go live in that parallel universe for once.

Don’t be an after-thought

Today’s mood : thoughtful, preachy, wisdom-imparting

Don’t ever be someone’s after-thought. Not even your own.

Especially not your own. Be your own priority. Make yourself your priority. And value people, who make you their priority.

Don’t let anyone make you believe that you deserve anything other than the best. Because you’re awesome and you know it.

Whenever in doubt, choose happiness. It’s really the only thing that matters.

And also, choose love. Because its the one thing that will keep you going.

Make every moment count, there really is no guarantee for anyone or anything.

Read that book, eat that cake, visit that place.

Life is too short to have regrets and too long to have “what-if”s.

Live it wisely and fully.

Cheers 🙂

Dear Future Niece / Nephew

You are the most precious, eagerly awaited and highly anticipated child who is taking his/her own sweet time to grace us with your presence.

Please come soon now. I know your mom is a drama queen and might throw a tantrum or two sometimes but she is doing everything in her power to make sure that you have everything that you will ever need. So don’t trouble her anymore.

And you are so lucky to have such a sweet and kind Dad who will love you endlessly and infinitely. So don’t make him wait so much.

You will be the Apple, Banana, Strawberry and Watermelon of their eye so please, enough with the melo-drama (we already know who you get it from), come home already.

Kindly talk to Mr. God and arrange your quick arrival as we are all waiting to welcome you into our arms. We are going to cuddle you till you get annoyed and spoil you so much that your parents might have to intervene (spoiler alert).

You will be such a cutiepie, I can even imagine your cute little nose and your precious smile. Ofcourse, the good genes will come from your folks but we will definitely be the reason for your smile.

I still remember your mom and her goofy little grin every time she did something naughty since the time she was a little girl herself. She might have grown up into this beautiful, graceful lady but still has that goofy smile sometimes. I look forward to sharing these goofy little smiles with you too, dear Baby.

So yes, we already have some names shortlisted and our online shopping carts are ready to go. Just waiting for a blue/pink signal from your end. Do us a favour and hurry up, ok? Ok.

Lots of love and hugs,

Auntie T

P.S. If there are demands on your end, to speed up this process, we might be open to some kind of negotiation. Might being the key word here. Drop us an email, will you?

Dear Friend(s)

I miss you so much.

You were my mirror, I could see myself in your eyes and feel like the most special human to exist on this planet.

You were my sounding board, I could tell you anything and everything and not feel stupid or useless.

You were my knight in shining armour, protecting me from myself, helping me during all the tough times.

You were my Plan B, when nothing worked out, I could still count on you for each and every thing.

You made me laugh, you made me cry,

person holding smartphone showing hour glass
Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com

You made me a million promises, never to say goodbye.

You were my world. Let’s not grow up. Let’s not grow apart. Come back to me. Be my friend again.

Because inspite of everything, I know you miss me too.

Happiness

Is a fleeting feeling for me. I’m in search of it always, aren’t we all? But on days like today, I feel like whenever I feel it, I need to hold on to it and not let it go so easily.

Every time I want to buy something new or go to some place exciting or do something specific, I tell myself, oh yeah, if I get this, I will be the happiest person ever. Actually, to be honest, I tell myself that I wont be happy if I dont get it (which might be the actual cause of the problem really).

But when I do get it, the fleeting moments of happiness just pass me by. I move on to the next thing and conveniently disregard the thing that had been the centre of my life for that amount of time. Its like that dress you try and then leave at the store and keep thinking about it obsessively and then go and buy it but when you finally wear, its like blah. No? Just me then.

This “fleeting” thing has been happening now for quite some time and I’m unable to pinpoint what the issue is. Is my lack of clarity the biggest problem here? Wise books and internet websites tell me that the thing that I’m searching for outside is actually somewhere within me.

Really. Then why can’t I get that? Like how do you wake up every day and find motivation to do what you do? Is it normal that once every few days, weeks, months I need to regroup and wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing and is any of it really worth anything? I dont know the answer and I’m too scared to find out.

Today has been one of the difficult days. Its not a horrible day because there has been no crying involved. But its been quite a rough one. And its harder when one doesn’t have clarity as to why the gloom has set in. It takes a lot of introspection, self-evaluation and frankly, a lot of “just smile, just smile, just smiiile” on my part to get through days like today. (Also, “dont reply”, “dont say a word”, “no, that wont be the smart thing to say or do”)

For today, I dont have clarity or perspective yet. I’m waiting for the Eureka! moment when I figure out what triggered all of this and what will help clear the grey mood. Maybe it’ll be tonight, maybe next week, I can’t say.

Hubs has an uncanny ability to sense these days and keeps a tab on me, all day round. Sometimes, its the only thing that keeps me going.

Also, now I have the sense to understand whatever this is, its going to go away sooner or later. Thats definitely progress, I hope.

The Story of the Falcon and the Swan.

Disclaimer : Not all stories are happy.

Once upon a time, in a beautiful jungle far far away, there was a Falcon, soaring above all and then there was a Swan, gliding through life. Theirs was an unusual love (I know, just go with me here, ok?).

They met by chance and somehow everything fell into place. Both birds loved sunsets and the wind, they watched the moon together and loved sepnding time together.

However, love is not without its differences. The Falcon sometimes wished the Swan would fly and the Swan sometimes wished the Falcon would swim.

So one day, the Falcon saw a beautiful Rose and decided to gift it to the Swan. He carried it on his beak for a very long distance and through all kinds of winds and rain.

When he saw the Swan he got so excited that he dived towards her and managed to scratch the Swan with a huge thorn on the Rose stem.

The Swam started bleeding profusely. On seeing the blood, the Falcon got very worried.

“Why are you bleeding so much?”, asked the Falcon helplessly.

“I can’t help it.”, cried the Swan incredulously.

“You should have been made of thicker skin”, said the Falcon suddenly getting annoyed.

“But I’m not.”, said the Swan icily.

“I can’t see you bleeding like this.”, said the Falcon stubbornly.

“You shouldn’t have poked me with a thorn, in that case.”, said the Swan tearfully.

“I just wanted you to have the Rose”, said the hurt Falcon.

The forgotten Rose was nowhere to be seen.

Lets Talk About Me.

Dear Reader, I have no idea who you are, how you happened to read this or why you chose to spend a fragment of your day with me. But you did and you are here and I would like to say Hello.

So I’m a semi-social person, who might end up either being your best friend ever or disappear in the blink of an eye. I guess my semi-socialness stems from my time as a super-awkward teenager being holed-up in my room reading/ binge watching shows/ studying. Then I went to college to become an Architect and realised simultaneously that people were awesome as well as horrible. I chose to not be a nobody there and here I am, writing about something I always used to shy away from.

All my ‘About me’ sections had things like “Random, weird, clueless” written on them for a long time (refer to the super-awkward part). Now however, I’m not exactly those things. I mean, weird might still be relevant but that’s more on you, than me.

I’m 28 and can now say that I have dealt with my fair(?) share of shit. This shit is figurative as well as literal because I have a twenty-one-month-old Cub (one-and-a-half-year-old, for the uninitiated) and there is, therefore, no two-way about it. I had taken quite a maternity leave from work but now I’m back doing the thing that I love – design.

I feel like I’m now, sorted enough to start writing again. And that is a big deal for me because the whirlwind that has been the last ten years has finally slowed down a little. Its either that or I’m the one spinning faster, I can’t really tell.

I’m a dreamer but you can’t make that out unless you know me really well. I’m a stickler for righteousness and I’m not sorry about it. And I’m a believer of the goodness in this world, the fact that the sun will come out the next day and finally, Karma.

I feel like I’m also politically correct most of the time or unconsiously try to be, much to the displeasure of my husband who always has a more blatant approach to life. But Hubs has a more black and white way of dealing with things where as, I am, lets just say, more colourful. Hubs is also the best thing that happened to me in an otherwise unpredictable life (in my defence, I’m the best thing that has happened to him, so dont @ me).

Wow so much “about me” is happening here. Honestly, some where in the middle, I thought this day would never come but it has and I’m very happy about it.

So now that you kinda sorta know me, its your turn to say Hello, isn’t it?