Is a fleeting feeling for me. I’m in search of it always, aren’t we all? But on days like today, I feel like whenever I feel it, I need to hold on to it and not let it go so easily.
Every time I want to buy something new or go to some place exciting or do something specific, I tell myself, oh yeah, if I get this, I will be the happiest person ever. Actually, to be honest, I tell myself that I wont be happy if I dont get it (which might be the actual cause of the problem really).
But when I do get it, the fleeting moments of happiness just pass me by. I move on to the next thing and conveniently disregard the thing that had been the centre of my life for that amount of time. Its like that dress you try and then leave at the store and keep thinking about it obsessively and then go and buy it but when you finally wear, its like blah. No? Just me then.
This “fleeting” thing has been happening now for quite some time and I’m unable to pinpoint what the issue is. Is my lack of clarity the biggest problem here? Wise books and internet websites tell me that the thing that I’m searching for outside is actually somewhere within me.
Really. Then why can’t I get that? Like how do you wake up every day and find motivation to do what you do? Is it normal that once every few days, weeks, months I need to regroup and wonder why I’m doing what I’m doing and is any of it really worth anything? I dont know the answer and I’m too scared to find out.
Today has been one of the difficult days. Its not a horrible day because there has been no crying involved. But its been quite a rough one. And its harder when one doesn’t have clarity as to why the gloom has set in. It takes a lot of introspection, self-evaluation and frankly, a lot of “just smile, just smile, just smiiile” on my part to get through days like today. (Also, “dont reply”, “dont say a word”, “no, that wont be the smart thing to say or do”)
For today, I dont have clarity or perspective yet. I’m waiting for the Eureka! moment when I figure out what triggered all of this and what will help clear the grey mood. Maybe it’ll be tonight, maybe next week, I can’t say.
Hubs has an uncanny ability to sense these days and keeps a tab on me, all day round. Sometimes, its the only thing that keeps me going.
Also, now I have the sense to understand whatever this is, its going to go away sooner or later. Thats definitely progress, I hope.