Lonesome.

Disclaimer : I’m not high. Quite the opposite actually.

Is it not unfair, to have everything and still have nothing? To not have space for anything else and yet crave for something you don’t even know exists anymore? To be saturated and yet be unfulfilled?

To have something wonderful but to want something entirely different? It is unfair, isn’t it? But that’s how it is. Today and everyday, for a long while now. To be in one place but long to be in an entire different place at that very moment?

For once, just for the sake of it, forgo the concept of right and wrong. Just for once. No judgement, only hear me out. You might agree or disagree, its upto you but that has nothing to do with the way I feel. Feeling is authentic, judgement is biased.

Anyway, getting back to the irony of it all. I’m talking about the duality of everyday life when said life becomes meaningless and uninspired. But you have to do, what you have to do. Act normal, finish the job that you are supposed to be doing. But that’s what it is exactly, acting the part. Not actually living it.

Its a self-induced punishment but its not voluntary. Its not something one can control, to desire and to dream something that is beyond your reach, beyond your horizon of reality.

To have your body in one place and your heart at a completely different location, it is unfair, isn’t it?

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A Bird In Hand

So there’s a bird in my kitchen. Actually, there are birds, plural, in my kitchen.

So let me explain, this is not a fully functional kitchen. It is a big kitchen being used like a pantry as of now. So it has a chimney, which is only sometimes switched on. So our Mother Bird decided, yeay nice place to give birth.

There is a nest on the chimney. Like its on top of the chimney. I’ll attach a picture. So anyway, the Bird birthed the eggs and has been a constant for the last few weeks.

We have been having some conversations, Bird and I.

“You know Bird, if the light disturbs you so much, you really should have chosen a different site”

“You’re a really good listener, Bird. Has anybody told you that recently?”

“Birrrd. Your chicks are chirping. They’re hungry. Get on with those worms, yeah?”

“You need to respect my privacy, Bird. I feel like you’re encroaching on my personal space here. Quite literally.”

“It’s just us today, Birds. All the others are gone and busy, just us and our kids. Kid, in my case.”

“Bird, that dude you got over there, doesn’t always help, does he? He’s not around much,yeah? Or maybe, sometimes its him I’m talking to. I can’t really tell.”

“You know I’m going to have to do sooo much cleaning after you move out, Bird. I mean..its going to be ridiculous, not like you care.”

“Bird, I appreciate you not interfering in my business up here. Like just staying in your zone. I appreciate it. I do.”

Disclaimer : The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily match the Bird’s point of view. She may or may not have a different perspective on things.

P.S. Just as I was about to post this, for the first time in weeks, the Bird shat in our kitchen. I got so angry I yelled at it. Now folks at home think I’m crazy and Bird just flew off. This is getting intense now, guys.

Hubs Appreciation Post.

So yesterday, Hubs says to me, unprovoked if i may, “I am here only to make you feel good”, and I think he’s again trying to be funny/ sarcastic and witty and just being Hubs-y. You see, Hubs is not just the non-validation-seeking, pure-of-heart, perfectionist person, he also doesn’t believe in big gestures and huge proclamations of love. You know by the little things he does that he is thinking of you but thats a story for another day.

Anyway so back to this one, I was generally talking about something he did which was good, basically appreciating something, like I do, I’m an appreciater. Mostly. And he says that. And I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for his punchline. And he says, very seriously, ” No, really. I think God has made me to make you feel good. Thats why I exist.” Boom.

He had a hint of a smile and I dont think even he realised what he was going to say. I was dumbstruck. And then I realised, he actually meant that. Like maybe he was trying to be funny and the truth just let itself out, he said what he actually thought.

Oh Hubs. That’s one of the sweetest things you have said to me in the last seven and half years.

P.S. I have now officially forgiven you for the time you said, “Birthday parties are wasteful expenditures.”

Empty

Empty words. Empty promises. Empty minds. Empty hearts.

Empty feelings. Feelings of what-ifs. Feelings of has-beens. Feelings of regret.

Feeling bored. Bored of the ordinary. Bored of the extraordinary. Bored of not writing. Bored of empty unpublished posts.

So many unpublished posts. All half heartedly written. Half hearted words. Empty words.

No more, no more.

Thumbs up?

The need for constant validation is the curse of our generation. We feel like whatever we are doing, wherever we are going, it needs the approval of everyone around us. Sometimes, its not even about approval, its about being in the race with our peers who are doing the exact same thing for us and to us. We are all basically trying to one-up each other all the time.

Exaggerating the happy moments and worse, hiding under fake smiles. I say this so strongly because I have done it myself. Posted a happy picture when I was dying inside. It hurts to look at the picture but hey, atleast other people like it.

So great is our need to be “liked” by everyone that Mark can’t even bring himself to add a ‘dislike’ button. Because no one wants that. Would you be willing to let yourself be so vulnerable as to actually face what people think about you? Or even worse, would you let people know how bad your life actually is? No, thank you. Let’s all just collectively live in this bubble of hallucinations and enjoy our time on our timelines.

We don’t want to give tests every day but we want to be validated all the time. By “we”, I exclusively mean people like me. Not people like Hubs. You see, Hubs lives on an entire different planet. He doesn’t care about validation. He doesn’t give it, he doesn’t need it. I’m happy for him. I’m even a bit envious of his zen-like nature. I wish I could be that ‘at peace’ with myself and the world. You go, Hubs. May you always be the shining ray of light, this world doesn’t deserve.

Anyway, coming back to us, mere mortals. Yes, we are a doomed lot. But the actual question is, is there any hope for us? At all? Can this era, like so many before it, come to an end and lead up to something good?

We can only hope. Hope that our fake smiles eventually turn into real ones. Hope that our journey, that we keep glorifying so very much, comes to a beautiful end and we reach wherever it is that we want to and/or are supposed to reach.

I hope that there is a meaning to everything, at the very end and that there is, like Hubs says, a silver lining to these dark, dark clouds.

Image courtesy https://www.theodysseyonline.com/fake-smiles.amp

This kind of Love.

Over the course of the (almost) twenty-nine years of my life, I’ve loved many things and many people. And I’m talking about so many versions of love. Unrequited love, selfish love, selfless love, one-sided love, reciprocated love, imaginary love, intense love, friendly love, will-do-anything-for-you kind of love, hate-to-love-you and love-to-hate-you love, and so many more kinds of love.

But never, had I ever, experienced this kind of unconditional, life-consuming, no holds barred, no expectations kind of love. The fact that he loves me no matter what. He doesn’t care what I’m wearing, how I’m looking or what I’m doing. Its free of judgement, this kind of love. Right now, that is.

I’m talking about the person who might leave me in fifteen years to go off to college and probably never be the same again. Yet, I know I will probably love him till the end of my days, come what may.

I never knew this kind of love existed. I never thought I had the capacity to love someone this much.

I had read somewhere that the basis of humanity is the love that parents have for their children. At the time, I couldn’t understand the depth of this. Now I do. There is not a thing in this world that I would not do to protect this child of mine, not a stone I wouldn’t turn, whatever it takes to ensure his happiness. I mean, we have rules and discipline and responsibility that we teach him and will continue to do so but its a powerful thing, this love.

Every now and then, a certain titbit of God’s plan reveals itself and I marvel at the genius of it all. It is a marvelous thing, this kind of love.

I hope you experience this some day my dear reader, if you haven’t already. It’s a magical feeling, this kind of love.

Good enough.

Sometimes, in many heartbroken moments in life, I wonder if I’m good enough. Good enough for the people around me, good enough to deserve what I have, good enough to want more from life.

But its a very difficult question to get the answer to. I’m not saying that I’m trying to be perfect or idealistic but life and people have a weird parameter of judging you and its sometimes too much to handle.

I know, i know. Don’t think about what people think of you. Nope..no can do. Good for you, if you can live that way. For me, its impossible not to be bogged down by it. Its a vice. Not in a creepy I-think-about-this-24×7 way but in a I-want-people-to-like-me kind of way. Specially the ones that I like too.

They say ‘Be the best version of yourself’. Well, i dont know which version the best version of me is, all I know is I’m trying to be a better person everyday and a better version of myself everyday.

But overthinking and over-analysing and over-stressing has its flaws. Maybe the best version of yourself is the version when you stop caring so damn much.

I mean imagine how sunny life would be if one weren’t burdened by anyone’s expectations. That would awesome. Lets go live in that parallel universe for once.

Don’t be an after-thought

Today’s mood : thoughtful, preachy, wisdom-imparting

Don’t ever be someone’s after-thought. Not even your own.

Especially not your own. Be your own priority. Make yourself your priority. And value people, who make you their priority.

Don’t let anyone make you believe that you deserve anything other than the best. Because you’re awesome and you know it.

Whenever in doubt, choose happiness. It’s really the only thing that matters.

And also, choose love. Because its the one thing that will keep you going.

Make every moment count, there really is no guarantee for anyone or anything.

Read that book, eat that cake, visit that place.

Life is too short to have regrets and too long to have “what-if”s.

Live it wisely and fully.

Cheers 🙂

Dear Future Niece / Nephew

You are the most precious, eagerly awaited and highly anticipated child who is taking his/her own sweet time to grace us with your presence.

Please come soon now. I know your mom is a drama queen and might throw a tantrum or two sometimes but she is doing everything in her power to make sure that you have everything that you will ever need. So don’t trouble her anymore.

And you are so lucky to have such a sweet and kind Dad who will love you endlessly and infinitely. So don’t make him wait so much.

You will be the Apple, Banana, Strawberry and Watermelon of their eye so please, enough with the melo-drama (we already know who you get it from), come home already.

Kindly talk to Mr. God and arrange your quick arrival as we are all waiting to welcome you into our arms. We are going to cuddle you till you get annoyed and spoil you so much that your parents might have to intervene (spoiler alert).

You will be such a cutiepie, I can even imagine your cute little nose and your precious smile. Ofcourse, the good genes will come from your folks but we will definitely be the reason for your smile.

I still remember your mom and her goofy little grin every time she did something naughty since the time she was a little girl herself. She might have grown up into this beautiful, graceful lady but still has that goofy smile sometimes. I look forward to sharing these goofy little smiles with you too, dear Baby.

So yes, we already have some names shortlisted and our online shopping carts are ready to go. Just waiting for a blue/pink signal from your end. Do us a favour and hurry up, ok? Ok.

Lots of love and hugs,

Auntie T

P.S. If there are demands on your end, to speed up this process, we might be open to some kind of negotiation. Might being the key word here. Drop us an email, will you?

Dear Friend(s)

I miss you so much.

You were my mirror, I could see myself in your eyes and feel like the most special human to exist on this planet.

You were my sounding board, I could tell you anything and everything and not feel stupid or useless.

You were my knight in shining armour, protecting me from myself, helping me during all the tough times.

You were my Plan B, when nothing worked out, I could still count on you for each and every thing.

You made me laugh, you made me cry,

person holding smartphone showing hour glass
Photo by samer daboul on Pexels.com

You made me a million promises, never to say goodbye.

You were my world. Let’s not grow up. Let’s not grow apart. Come back to me. Be my friend again.

Because inspite of everything, I know you miss me too.